


Occupied Mind

by crimindsaspe



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Hurt Spencer Reid, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Sad Spencer Reid, Self-Harm, Spencer Reid Angst, major trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 13:51:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15050531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimindsaspe/pseuds/crimindsaspe
Summary: Spencer finds out that the reader has depression and suffers with self harm. He tries to help her as best as he can, but will it be enough? *MAJOR SELF HARM AND SUICIDE TRIGGER WARNING CONSISTENTLY THROUGHOUT, DON'T READ IF THIS WILL AFFECT YOU*





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer notices that Y/N is hiding something.

Y/N’s slender fingers grasped the end of her over-sized jumper, stroking the fabric between her trembling fingertips as she stumbled through the BAU’s doors. Her soft curls framed her pale face, bouncing lightly as she quickly made her way to her desk. 

However, her all too familiar unsettled entrance had drawn the curious attention of Spencer Reid. His deep eyes observed her discomposed form while she attempted to sort through files, fighting against her clouded mind. Suddenly, Aaron’s voice echoes through the bullpen followed by the fast clicking of Garcia’s heels.

“We have a case.” Y/N flinched at the sudden noise, fingers pinching the bridge of her nose. Spencer immediately frowned at her reaction as he stood to hear the case.

While Garcia and Hotch presented the case, Spencer fixated his gaze on Y/N’s shallow breathing and occupied hands as she kept them busy, flicking her pen. Eventually, Garcia handed out paper files to Y/N and Spencer. She reached for her file but quickly retracted her hand as she adjusted her sleeve to cover her hands again, which off course didn’t go missed by the doctor. Team members threw out suggestions regarding the current unsub, quick glances pierced Spencer due to his lack of input but his mind was occupied by the saddened girl sat opposite him.

“Wheels up in thirty.” Hotch’s voice pulled him from his thoughts but as people flooded out of the room, Spencer’s voice cracked through the silence.

“Y/N, can I talk to you?” His gaze flickered towards Hotch who nodded slightly as Y/N looked into Spencer’s concerned eyes. When the two of them were left in the room, Spencer stood up and leant forward to innocently touch Y/N’s arm before he spoke but she instantly flinched away from him.

“S-sorry, just got spooked.” She quickly lied, avoiding Spencer’s stare.

“Y/N, what is it?” He furrowed his eyebrows, concern dominating his voice. Y/N’s knee bounced involuntarily, as her mind cussed her for her obvious behaviour.

“Nothing, just tired.” She whispered, collecting her files to avoid the conversation from advancing.

“So what are you hiding under your sleeves? You keep adjusting your sleeve, flinching at the slightest movement-” Spencer listed, voice stern as he tried to find an answer.

“Stop.” Y/N whispered, nerves bubbling in her throat. Although, the doctors voice still presented his concern to the anxious woman.

“And you haven’t been speaki-”

“Stop Spence,” Y/N rose her voice as her hands flew to her hair but her sleeves fell, revealing few purple scars across her forearm. Spencer’s eyes widened, glued to the broken girl as tears prickled her eyes while she readjusted her sleeves.

“Y/N…” He whispered, voice cracking from the sadness empowering her features. Her glossed eyes met his as her fingers trembled.

“P-please, just don’t.” She mumbled with her eyes closed, tears rolling down her tinted cheeks.

“I had no idea,” Spencer muttered, eyes still wide and full of fear. Without thought he shuffled towards her and laced his arms around her, pulling her close to his chest. In response, Y/N rested her head on his chest, more tears falling as her weakened legs shook beneath her.

“Don’t tell anyone…please.” She begged, pulling away slightly to inspect his eyes.

“I-I won’t.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Y/N didn't turn up to work, Spencer went to her house just to check up on her but he ended up walking in on a scene that would scar him for a long time.
> 
> MAJOR SELF HARM WARNING

Spencer’s expression laced with concern, his deep eyes fixated on the BAU doors, fingers tapping nervously against his desk. Hesitantly, he dialled Y/N’s phone, swallowing back his nerves but he was abruptly met by her voicemail tone. JJ watched observantly, frowning slightly when Spencer tensed his jaw and harshly combed his fingers through his knotted hair.

“You okay, Spence?” JJ questioned, worry dominating her voice. His eyes snapped over to her, feeling his teams eyes burn into him.

“Uh, I- yeah. Fine.” Spencer quickly stumbled, instantly making his way to Aaron’s office to make sure Y/N had spoke to someone about her absence but his unusual behaviour didn’t get disregarded as nothing by his worried friends.

He knocked on his office door softly, gradually edging into the unit chiefs office while clearing the lump in his throat. Noticing his anxious form, Aaron frowned immediately, standing up to meet the doctor.

“Reid, is everything okay?” Aaron asked, warm eyes flickering over the man. Spencer nodded slightly, looking up at the intense mans gaze.

“H-has Y/N said why she is absent?” Spencer quietly uttered, making concern possess Aaron’s eyes as he leant against the side of his desk, arms crossed against his broad chest.

“She called not too long ago, she said she is ill but I think the last case just got to her.” Aaron murmured but when Spencer shook his head and scrunched his eyes in disagreement Aaron strolled closer towards him.

“Reid, is there something I need to know?” Aaron urged, eyebrows furrowing when Spencer dropped his eye contact, fidgeting with his hands while his mind fought against his words.

“She-I, before the…I said I wouldn’t s-say anything.” Spencer stuttered, words firing off of his tongue as his mind wandered to the darkest possibilities.

“Reid.” Aaron’s gruff voice pulled him from his haunting thoughts, he cleared his throat before meeting his unit chiefs dark eyes.

“Before the case I found scars on her arms.” Spencer blurted, eyes riddled with growing fear as Aaron inhaled sharply, fingers immediately dancing across his temple with frustration.

“She’s harming herself and you wasn’t going to tell me?” Aaron questioned, irritation biting at his words but he let out a breath when he observed the anxious man.

“I-I need to go check on her, just to make sure she is okay.” Spencer whispered, earning a nod of approval from Aaron but when Spencer turned to leave, Aaron placed a hand on his arm.

“Let me know how she is when you get there.” Aaron urged, voice softer than before making Spencer nod, a nervous smile scratching at his lips.

“Y/N.” Spencer called from the other side of the door, pressing his ear against the door slightly in an attempt to identify the slightest indication that the broken girl was okay. Silence. Fear continued to bubble in the back of his throat, quickly dialling her phone again. He heard the piercing ringing tone singing through her phone on the other side of the door but there was no reply.

“Y/N, I’m coming in.” Spencer urged, grip tight on the handle as he thrust his shoulder into the door several times until the door flew open, revealing her unbelievably cluttered room; books and case files scattered across her floor.

“Where are you?” Spencer muttered, scanning over her living room and kitchen before noticing the closed bathroom door. He pressed his ear against the door, immediately met by her muffled sobs.

Within seconds he threw open the door, taken back by the deathly sight, wincing instantaneously as she dropped the blade at his presence but eyes remaining glued to her wounds.

“What are you doing?” Spencer yelled, his hand quickly becoming blanketed in blood as he pulled away her shaking form away from the blood-pooled sink. Her cracked eyes met his, silent tears rolling down her face as he forced her to sit on the closed toilet.

“Why?” Spencer’s voice cracked at the sight of the vulnerable girl, grabbing a towel from the side of her bathtub and applying pressure to her open cuts, blood seeping through onto Spencer’s trembling hands.

“Why would you do this?” Spencer raised his voice in fear, holding the towel firmly on her arm while his tear glazed eyes met hers, though she simply closed her eyes, trying to pull her arm away from the frantic doctor.

“Let me go.” Y/N whispered, her whimpering voice made Spencer shake his head, tears falling down his face uncontrollably.

“I can’t-” Spencer yelled but exhaled lowly when the girl coward at his explosive yells. “I can’t let you do this.” He whispered, cascading his glance down to the soaked towel, peeling it back lightly to observe the cuts that were beginning to settle under the firm pressure.

“Don’t move, hold it still.” Spencer ordered softly, hesitantly pulling away from the girl and pushing her hand to keep pressure of her wrist. He quickly routed through her bathroom cabinets for a first aid kit but exhaled loudly when he couldn’t find anything but hidden blades and beauty products.

“It’s in the bedroom.” Y/N whispered, eyes on the man as he leant his arms against the counter, glancing into the messy sink. He turned to her silently, nodding as he picked up another towel from the sink and replacing the ruined one on her arm, cascading the bloody fabric into the empty bath tub.

“Come on.” Spencer urged, pressing her arm against her stomach to hold the towel in place as he lead her into the bedroom, sitting her carefully on the edge of the bed.

“Top drawer.” She whispered as he glanced around the room, in search of the firs aid kit. He pulled the towel back as he sat beside her, glancing into her eyes as he pulled the antiseptic spray out of the bag.

“This is going to hurt.” He hushed, sorrowful glints laced within his eyes as she tensed and shook her head quickly.

“Please don’t.” She whimpered, making Spencer’s saddened eyes fixate on her pale arm.

“Why won’t you let me help you?” Spencer questioned, fingers lacing within hers and squeezing tightly. Without a warning, he sprayed the antiseptic spray on her arm, quickly wrapping the bandage around her tense arm.

“Why would you do that?” Y/N yelled, tears coating her cheeks as Spencer tied the bandage in place around her flailing arm.

“Because you wouldn’t let me in.” Spencer raised his voice but returning his hand to hers, in order to assure himself that she wouldn’t remove the bandage causing her arm to sting as the antiseptic spray covered her fresh cuts.

“Nobod-” Before she could even continue the hushed sentence, Spencer’s eyes grew intense as he exhaled loudly.

“Don’t. Don’t say nobody cares. Don’t say that when I’m sat in front of you covered in your blood.” Spencer growled, reapplying soft pressure to her wrist as he bowed his head and pressed her hand to his forehead, breathing shallowly while he attempted to compose himself.

“Dying happens in an instant, that’s it, finished. But people dying right in front of you is fucking terrifying, Y/N. I’m trying to help you, I-I’m trying to save you.” Spencer whispered but frowned up at the girl when she scoffed, tear stained face dark on his.

“I don’t need saving. I needed people with me before I got to this fucking point.” Y/N yelled making Spencer wince slightly, closing his eyes shut as he tried to revert all of his attention to the girls shaking arm.

“I tried, Y/N. I tried to check up on you but you wouldn’t answer.” Spencer snapped, gripping her hand tightly as she tried to pull it away while bowing her head from his intense eyes.

“I was trying to protect you. I’m trying to keep you away from me, I can’t fucking breathe and it hurts. I can’t handle feeling like this anymore.” Y/N continued to raise her voice, pulling away from the doctor as she stood up, tears falling down her red cheeks.

“Y/N.” Spencer whispered, standing up to meet her but she stepped away, hands running through her hair and pulling at it slightly, Spencer’s eyes flickering across her old scars across her shaking arms.

“I can’t handle it.” Y/N repeated, voice breaking as she cried, Spencer’s arms wrapping around her when she collapsed into his chest, sobbing hysterically into his shirt. He rubbed comforting circles across her back, his tears soaking into her hair as he kissed her forehead lightly.

“I’m here now.” Spencer whispered, slowly edging her towards the bed, pulling away when the backs of her knees hit the mattress to look into her cracked eyes.

“You need to try and get some rest.” Spencer hushed, gently moving her knotted hair away from her red face but the fear in her eyes made him cup her face firmly.

“Please don’t leave.” Y/N pleaded but Spencer rested his forehead against hers, thumb grazing across her cheekbone.

“I’m right here.” Spencer assured, urging her to lay down on the bed by slowly edging her to sit down.

“Please lay down, try and sleep. You need it.” Spencer comforted, pulling the blankets over her body when she obliged. He laced his slender fingers through her knotted hair as she closed her eyes, eventually drifting into light sleep.

Spencer left her to her well-needed rest, wondering around her apartment and cleaning up the miscellaneous books from her living room. Remembering his unit chief’s orders, Spencer sat on her couch, dialling Aaron but glancing back to make sure that Y/N was still asleep.

“Reid?” Aaron’s voice drew Spencer from his thoughts,

“How is she?”

“Hotch, it’s not good. I, I-uh, walked in on her when she was-” Spencer began but drifted off as he swallowed back the lump growing in his throat.

“I get it.” Aaron uttered, exhaling loudly.

“She’s resting now but she needs a couple of weeks off, I’m going to stay with her for the rest of today if that’s okay?” Spencer murmured, eyebrows furrowing as he recalled the haunting sight.

“That’s absolutely fine, just make sure you keep me updated.” Aaron urged, making Spencer hum in approval, fighting against the tears prickling his eyes.

“Spencer, it bled through.” Y/N whispered dejectedly, immediately pulling Spencer from his conversation. He gulped audibly, eyes fixated on her bandages.

“You might need stitches.” Spencer whispered, immediately catching the terror in her eyes before returning to the phone.

“Do you need me to come over?” Aaron asked sternly, but Spencer quickly rejected his offer.

“N-no, I have to go.” Giving Aaron no time to respond, Spencer hung up the phone as he met Y/N’s side, carefully lifting up her blood-stained arm and gently undoing the bandages. He looked up at her, smiling weakly as he brought her knuckles up to his mouth, kissing them lightly.

“I think you’ll be okay without stitches but that’s not a guarantee.” Spencer informed making Y/N nod slightly, face flushed pink as she realised how vulnerable she was in front of the doctor.

“Y-you have blood on your arms.” Y/N whispered, eyes glued to the dried red patches scattered up his arms.

“I’m not the only one. Come on, lets go run you a bath.”


	3. Chapter 3

Spencer turned off the faucet, turning to the quiet girl stood by the door, gently running her hands up the tops of her arms. He gravitated towards her, gentle eyes flickering over her unguarded form.

“Arms up.” Spencer whispered, making Y/N’s fearful eyes snap up to his. He shook his head slightly, fingers softly brushing her knotted hair away from her face.

“I can’t leave you alone, Y/N.” Spencer hushed, apologetic voice attempting to soothe the panicked girl.

“I-I won’t do anything.” Y/N assured but tears glazed her eyes when the doctor refused, cupping her face lightly.

“I’m sorry, I can’t take that risk.” Spencer cooed, gradually removing his hand from her trembling cheeks.

“Arms up, please.” He continued, Y/N hesitantly obliged , wincing slightly when the fabric brushed against the loose bandages. Spencer glanced down at her, trying to pry his eyes away from the fading scars scattered across the top of her hips.

“If I go get the first aid kit while you get undressed, will you promise to keep the door open?” Spencer questioned, her arms crossed over her torso as she quickly nodded.

“I need to come back in though, Y/N…w-while your in the bath.” Spencer urged, making her lips part, words failing to escape her tight throat.

“Y/N, I’m trying to look after you. Please let me.” Spencer whispered, causing her to nod ever so slightly.

“O-okay.” Spencer kissed her forehead gently before leaving the room, Y/N remaining alone as she took the remainder of her clothes off. However, when she caught her reflection in the mirror, a silent tear rolled down her face as she strolled closer towards the morphed image that stared back at her. While her mind was so caught up, cussing her for the marks pieced into her pale skin, she didn’t hear Spencer knock on the door lightly.

“Y/N, do you have any coconut oil?” His voice drew her from her clouded mind, her hands instinctively guarding herself from the doctor but his eyes remained fixated on her face, frowning at her saddened face as she quickly wiped the tears from her eyes.

“I-uh-I do. Why?” Y/N uttered, avoiding his eyes while she fidgeted uncomfortable, making Spencer glance away from her.

“Where is it?” Spencer urged, Y/N hesitantly looked up at him but immediately felt comforted when she didn’t find his eyes on her exposed form.

“Kitchen cupboard above the sink.” Y/N whispered, causing Spencer to place the first aid kit on the sink before closing the door and scattering off to the kitchen. She smiled weakly at his actions as she climbed into the bath, keeping her freshly wounded arm over the edge of the side. Spencer knocked against the door once again, waiting for her to give him approval.

“It’s unlocked still.” Y/N assured, shifting uncomfortably as Spencer edged into the room; coconut oil and a mug in his hands. He placed the coconut oil beside the first aid kit, carrying the empty mug over to her.

“Y/N, it’s okay.” Spencer whispered, noticing her fidgeting body as he knelt beside the bath. Y/N nodded slightly, bowing her head to ease her nerves as he took her hand in his.

“Y/N, this is going to sting. I need you to tell me you’re okay with this.” Spencer cooed, squeezing her hand lightly as she glanced at his hand as he filled the mug with bath water.

“I-It’s okay.” Y/N exhaled, making Spencer smile softly at her as he moved her arm so it was hovering over the bath water slightly.

“Squeeze my hand, okay?” Spencer ordered gently, raising the mug to her arm before pouring the water slowly over her arm. She immediately whimpered at the sensation, arm instinctively going to pull away but she squeezed onto his hand firmly.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” Spencer whispered, scooping more water into the mug so he could rinse away the dried blood from up her arms. Y/N breathed shakily through the sharp sting, but as soon as Spencer had finished, he picked up a dry cloth from the bath side and held it firmly against her sore arms.

“Can you wash your hair and stuff by yourself?” Spencer asked, causing Y/N to nod quickly. Spencer smiled weakly, standing up from the edge of the bath.

“I’m still not leaving.” He urged, walking over to the -still- messy sink. He removed the blade from where she dropped it, placing it by the faucet before rinsing the blood-stained sink. He wiped away the stains, glancing up into the mirror to find Y/N staring at him.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered but Spencer was quick to refuse her apology.

“Don’t apologise, love. Just get yourself ready, okay?” Spencer assured, eyes flickering back down to the murky water swirling down the sink.

“Do you have anymore cloths?” Spencer questioned, inspecting the dried blood painted across his arms.

“Left cupboard under the sink.” She informed quietly while untying her hair. Spencer took a clean cloth, dampening it slightly before washing away the red stains left from her outburst that morning. His actions immediately halted when Y/N winced, soapy water coating her arm as she tried to wash her hair.

“Let me do it.” He objected, strolling over to her and holding his hand out for her to apply the shampoo to his hand. Though, Y/N refused, continuing to rub the soap from her hands into her hair.

“Y/N, stop. You’re hurting yourself doing that.” Spencer exhaled lowly but she still continued, the soapy water running down her reddened arms.

“It calms down eventually.” Y/N whispered, continuing to massage the soap into her hair but Spencer bit his lip, in an attempt to hide the sadness clawing at his throat. Wordlessly, he replaced her hands with his, rubbing slightly as Y/N slowly pulled hers away.

“Why are you doing this?” Y/N whispered when Spencer took the mug again, rinsing the soap away from her head.

“I want to keep you safe.” Spencer murmured, voice breaking slightly while he placed the mug back down. Y/N looked up at him, eyebrows furrowing slightly as he closed his eyes briefly.

“Please can you pass me the towel.” Y/N whispered, pulling Spencer from his mind as he cleared his throat and nodded slightly, passing her the towel by the door.

When Y/N had wrapped the towel around herself she dawdled towards Spencer, who gestured for her to go towards him while he pulled out the antiseptic spray and clean bandages from the first aid kit.

“Arm out.” He whispered, Y/N silently obliged, sitting on the counter with her wrist out towards him. Spencer glanced up at her, warm eyes flickering over her drifted eyes.

“It will hurt, Y/N. Please don’t let me do what I did earlier.” Spencer uttered, lifting the antiseptic bottle up slightly.

“Can I hold your hand?” Y/N whimpered, breaking the strong walls from Spencer’s eyes. Without a thought, he took her hand in his tightly.

“Breathe in.” He muttered, spraying the agonising liquid onto her cuts, making Y/N whimper slightly. He pressed his forehead against hers, quickly wrapping the bandage around her arm after placing cotton wool over her cuts.

“Are you okay?” Spencer whispered, fingers grazing over her cheekbones as she nodded slightly.

“It hurts.” Y/N was unable to hold back the muffled cried that escaped her lips. Spencer wrapped his arms around her, pulling her head to his chest.

“I know, darling. I know. It will be better soon, I promise.” Spencer cooed, brushing his hand over her wet hair as she snuffled in his chest. Spencer pulled away from her, thumbs wiping away the tears from her cheeks as he cupped her face. Without a work, he pulled away and reached for the coconut oil, covering his slender fingers in the substance.

“Spence?” Y/N whispered but he didn’t reply, instead massaging the oil into her old scars across her arms. She couldn’t help the small smile that grew on her face when the doctor gave all of his attention to the fading scars. Without a thought, she pulled her arm away from him and laced her fingers within his curly hair when she caught his tear glazed eyes

“Don’t get upset.” She pleaded, voice broken while a single tear rolled down her face.

“Why are you doing this?” Spencer whispered, cupping her face lightly as more tears cascaded down her face.

“Not yet. I can’t-” Before she could explain herself, Spencer pressed his finger against her lips to silence her.

“Have you eaten today?” Spencer questioned softly, Y/N shaking her head against his hand.

“Go get dressed, okay? I’ll make some food.” Spencer cooed, helping Y/N off of the counter. Before Y/N could leave, Spencer held her shoulder slightly before handing her the coconut oil.

“Put some on your hips, please.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this a long time ago, I know this has references to dialogue in other shows but I can't remember which ones to give credit to! Hope you enjoy!

Spencer knocked on her door lightly, a bowl of soup in his other hand. Y/N called through to him, telling him she was just getting changed, making Spencer lean against the wall. His eyes were closed, haunting images piercing his mind from the days events, the feeling of her blood coating his hands was a feeling he couldn’t let go of. His train of thought was soon interrupted when Y/N opened the door, clearing her throat softly.

“Have you had anything to eat?” Y/N wandered, voice quiet as Spencer walked into her room, placing the bowl of soup down on her bedside table.

“Yeah, I just had some toast.” Spencer murmured, finally taking in her appearance when he turned around; oversized t-shirt paired with shorts, her scars peaking our just below them.

“Spence, please don’t.” Y/N pleaded, making Spencer’s eyes snap up to the dark circles shadowing her deep eyes.

“I-I’m sorry. Sit down, it should be cool enough.” Spencer urged, mentally cussing himself for staring at the one thing she was most insecure about. Y/N obliged, sitting at the head of her bed and bringing a spoonful of soup to her pale lips.

“Are you just going to watch me until I have finished?” Y/N uttered, glancing up at his stern eyes as he nodded slightly.

“If that’s what it will take, then yes.” Spencer replied, making Y/N lose his eye contact immediately, taking another spoonful into her mouth.

“I’ll eat, Spence.” Y/N uncomfortably assured, pulling her large t-shirt over her thighs slightly to cover her piercing scars. Spencer nodded slightly, fighting with his mind as he cleared his throat.

“I’m just going to clean up the kitchen, if you need me please shout through. Even if it’s for the slightest thing.” Spencer ordered, causing Y/N to nod in agreement. Hesitantly he left the room, leaving Y/N alone. However, she didn’t eat. The low rumbling coming from her stomach, making her cover her mouth with the back of her hand.

“Oh god.” She whispered, hurriedly running to the bathroom. She slammed the door by accident when she knelt over the toilet, the sudden noise making Spencer immediately grow nervous.

“Y/N?” He shouted, heart beat increasing when he saw the shut door, memories flooding back from that morning.

“No, no, no.” He muttered to himself, throwing open the door to find Y/N hunched over the toilet, emptying the minimal contents of her stomach unwillingly. He was quick to kneel beside her, pulling her hair from her face while he rubbed her back firmly. The taste of bile burned her throat, eliciting a groan from her throat when she leant away from the toilet.

“Was the soup really that bad?” Spencer joked, hand loosening from her hair. Without another word, Y/N leant over the toilet again, hurling as more vomit escaped her lips. He continued to rub her back but his phone began buzzing in his pocket. Aaron. Spencer quickly answered, holding the phone to his ear with his shoulder as he scraped her hair back.

“Reid, you haven’t got back to me.” Aaron spoke, irritation clear in his voice.

“I’m a little busy right now, Hotch.” Spencer replied, leaning back when Y/N had finished, still rubbing her back when she bowed her head.

“This is important, Reid” Aaron urged, making Spencer sigh and pinch the bridge of his nose.

“So it this, Hotch. You’re not the one sat with her.” Spencer muttered, quickly handing a damp cloth to Y/N so she could wipe her mouth but she furrowed slightly at his words.

“Reid, I’ve been worried all day.” Aaron sighed, instantly making Spencer scoff in disbelief.

“You weren’t the one who walked in on her this morning.” Spencer spat, hanging up the phone but his eyes widened immediately when Y/N stood up, slowly backing away from the doctor.

“Y/N, I’m-” Before he could continue, a quiet sob escaped her burning throat.

“You told him?” Y/N whispered, wiping away the uncontrollable tears from her reddening cheeks. Spencer walked towards her but she moved away abruptly.

“You said you wouldn’t tell anyone.” She raised her voice, making Spencer wince slightly.

“Y/N, I had no choice.” Spencer assured, holding his hands out in defeat but Y/N shook her head, storming out of the bathroom. Spencer was quick to follow, finding her in the kitchen, sipping back the acidic taste in her mouth with water.

“You had a choice, Spencer. You told him.” Y/N replied sternly but Spencer shook his head.

“If I didn’t tell him I wouldn’t be here with you now.” Spencer uttered, walking closer to the broken girl.

“You shouldn’t be here now, neither of us should.” Y/N spat bitterly, slamming her glass down on the kitchen counter.

“Don’t say that, Y/N.” Spencer warned, holding his finger out towards the girl.

“What? Tell you that there was a purpose for me doing that? You think I did that shit this morning for fun? It hurts, Spencer. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to go outside and have people stare at you, it hurts to have people break promises. But what hurts most of all is you.” Y/N growled, voice raised but her last comment made Spencer frown.

“Me?”

“It hurts having you here, keeping me alive when I don’t want to be. It’s terrifying Spencer, I’m so scared. I want you to leave me alone.” Y/N yelled, hands shaking as she pulled at her hair.

“I’m not leaving you alone, Y/N. I’m not letting you die.” Spencer shouted, not caring anymore that he had tears rolling down his trembling cheeks.

“I care about your feelings more than mine. I’m not letting you get closer to me for me to leave.” Y/N bellowed, back colliding with the kitchen counter when she backed away from the hurt doctor.

“You’re not going to leave, Y/N. You’re going to fight no matter how hard it is because you’re not leaving me alone. I’m not letting you. I don’t care how long I have to be here but I’m not allowing you to just give up.” Spencer growled, jaw clenched to avoid the loud sobs to escape his throat.

“It’s too hard. It’s getting hard to get up in a morning, I’m terrified that one day I’m never going to see you again, Spencer. There’s going to be a point where I won’t have the power to open my eyes and I don’t want you to be here to see that. I love you, Spencer. But I won’t let you stay to watch me break again.” Y/N cried, loud sobs breaking through her loud words as she hunched over. Spencer cried, rushing over to her crouched form, her chest frantically heaving.

“Look at me, Y/N. I need you to calm down.” Spencer’s voice broke, heart pounding at her broken form. He forced her to look at him, cupping her face firmly as her legs gave way underneath her, making her sit against the cupboard doors shaking.

“I can’t, I can’t. I-It hurts, just make it stop, Spencer. I can’t do this.” Y/N cried, anger boiling from her, the feeling quickly replaced by pure sadness as she sobbed, knees pulled to her chest as Spencer sat beside her. He cried at the sight, firmly pulling her to his chest, making her curl into his lap.

“Please make it stop.” Y/N whispered, knuckles white as she gripped onto his shirt tightly. Spencer rubbed her back, inhaling deeply to allow himself to speak.

“I’m trying, Y/N. I will be here constantly, okay? I can’t see you like this anymore. I can’t stand n=the thought of not being able to see you.” Spencer cried, hands drifting to her hair as she continued to cry into his lap.

“It’s going to be okay. It might take some time but it’s going to be alright.” Spencer whispered, cooing her throughout her cries. Eventually, she had stopped crying, sleep hugging her tight while she was curled into Spencer’s lap. He brushed his hand up her back comfortingly, silent tears rolling down her face as he observed her sleeping form. He wrapped his arms around her, carefully picking her up from her curled position to carry her to her room. She clung onto him absent mindedly, her tear-stained face pressing into his chest before he laid her down on her bed.

“Spence?” She stirred, opening her heavy eyes slightly and beginning to sit up but quickly laid back down as her head burned, headache induced from crying.

“Sh, it’s okay. I’m just taking my tie and stuff off so I can sleep. I’ll be back in a second just go back to sleep, okay?” Spencer whispered, brushing her knotted hair away from her red face as she nodded. He sighed at the sight of her, swiftly pulling his tie and belt off before laying beside her, the dip in the bed making Y/N shuffle towards him and rest her head on his chest.

“Thank you.” She whispered into his shirt, he laced his fingers within her hair and massaged slightly.

“Go to sleep.”


	5. Chapter 5

The burning of the bandages rubbing against her arm caused Y/N to stir in her sleep, a soft groan escaping her throat. Spencer’s tired eyes immediately flickered open at the noise, slender fingers quickly meeting her side as he sat up but his breath was shaky, yesterdays events creeping into his shadowed mind from his ongoing nightmare. 

He glanced down at her tight bandages, the light fabric painted murky red-brown faintly across the centre. A quiet sigh absconded his parted chapped lips as he attempted to shuffle from the blankets, trying not to disturb the exhausted girl. However, the dip in the bed made her eyes open suddenly and she unexpectedly grasped onto his shirt, murmuring sleepily.

“Are you going to work?” She whispered, words muffled with a yawn when she sat up, back hunched when she rubbed her eyes.

“I will be going later to pick up some case files but is it okay if I have a shower here first?” Spencer questioned, brushing her knotted hair from her shadowed eyes. She nodded against his hand, smiling weakly at his warm eyes.

“Of course you can.” She uttered, stretching out her back when Spencer climbed off of the bed, his soft eyes remaining on her. Shw shook her head softly, edging off of the edge of the bed while a small smile played at her face.

“Spencer, go have a bath.” She giggled slightly, standing up and pushing his chest lightly. Although he didn’t move, instead he took her hand in his and inspected the bandages briefly.

“I’ll help you change them afterwards.” Spencer whispered, bringing her knuckles to his lips before kissing them gently. Y/N pulled her hand away, making him frown but she quickly buried her head in his chest, arms wrapped tightly around him.

“Thank you, Spence.” She whispered against his shirt, making him smile into her Y/H/C hair.

“I’ll be expecting some coffee as a thanks.” Spencer joked, eliciting a quiet giggle from her as she pulled away from the doctor, eyes fluttering over his playful smirk.

“You wish.”

 

Spencer wrapped his towel around his waist when he got out of the bath, hesitantly putting his dirty clothes back on, blood scattered across his shirt. When he was dressed, he noticed the blood-stained blade still sitting at the sink, eyebrows furrowing at the sight. His fingers grazed across the metal, the lump in his throat scratching at him

“Why?” He whispered to himself, picking up the blade and placing it on the counter. Remembering the other blades stashed in her bathroom cupboards, he quickly ripped open the cupboards, thoughtlessly piling the blades on top of the counter. He took some tissue, wrapping the blades up tightly before stashing them inside of his trouser pockets.

“Spence, your coffee is getting cold.” Y/N called for him, making him smile subtly, slowly edging from the door but guilt bit at his throat from the haunting secret pressing against his leg.

“Thank you.” He muttered as he entered the kitchen, sitting at the kitchen table and sipping at the warm coffee. His eyes drifted to her wrists, instantly realising the bandage was missing.

“Is the first aid kit still in the bedroom?” Spencer uttered, standing back up but Y/N hurriedly pushed him back down, swallowing back the lump in her throat.

“Please, don’t. The bandages get too itchy and I’m just at home.” Y/N pleaded, making Spencer nod slightly, returning to his coffee. His eyes remained on her as she sat opposite him, HIS making her shift uncomfortably.

“Will you be okay while I’m out? I won’t be long it’s-” Spencer began but Y/N quickly interrupted him, eager eyes dancing over his stern form.

“I’ll be fine, Spencer. I promise.” Y/N urged, leaning over the table to trace patterns along his tense knuckles. He nodded slightly, expression forged with worry but he knew she wouldn’t be able to hurt herself again, the tissue peaking out of his pocket slightly while he finished his coffee.

 

The team’s glances were fixated on Spencer, frowning immediately at his creased, bloody shirt. Derek stood up to meet him immediately, concern possessing his chocolate eyes.

“Where have you been? What’s going on, pretty boy?” He urged but Spencer shook his head, pushing past the muscular man to go to Aaron’s office.

“Everything’s fine.” He uttered, hurriedly entering Aaron’s office, closing the door behind him. Aaron’s eyes softened at his appearance, dark circles shadowing Spencer’s eyes as he exhaled loudly.

“How is she?” Aaron muttered, standing beside the tired doctor. Spencer frowned slightly, dropping the mans intense gaze.

“She seemed okay this morning but yesterday was awful. I-I’ve never seen her like-” Aaron quickly silenced the doctor, rubbing his shoulder comfortingly as tears prickled Spencer’s eyes.

“You need to go home and change.” Aaron uttered, going to close his office blinds but he stiffly halted when he was met by the sight.

 

The door clicked shut when Spencer had left, leaving the exhausted girl alone, mind shadowing quickly as she glanced down at her exposed wrist. The skin tingled achingly, possessed mind yelling at her vulnerable form to pierce into the sore marks. Despite the thunderous screams flooding her mind and the stereotypes of people in that agonizing state, Y/N felt the calmest she had done for the past couple of days. Her shaky fingers danced across the awaiting skin, pressing down slightly. ‘Just one more’ she thought, giving into her torturing mind. Just one more.

In defeat, she unhesitantly strolled to the bathroom immediately halting when she noticed all of the cupboard doors wide open. Hurriedly, she rushed to the sink, noting the red outline of yesterdays blade.

“No, no, no, no.” She whispered, anger boiling through her veins while she tore out the contents of her cupboards, silent tears coating her reddening cheeks. Her clenched fist collided with the counter harshly, catching her broken reflection staring back at her. Without another thought, Y/N stormed to her bedroom, throwing on some leggings and an oversized jumper before rushing out to her car.

Her knuckles turned white against the steering wheel as she gripped onto it tightly, the fabric of her jumper scratching against her sensitive wrists. An uncontrollable sob escaped her tightening throat, tears rolling down her pale cheeks. She rested her forehead on the steering wheel, exhaling shakily.

“It’s time.” She whispered to herself, “You can do this.” She took a deep breath, sitting up straight and readjusting the irritating fabric hanging on her sore arm. Her shaky fingers turned the key, nerves calming when the car began to rumble lowly.

Aaron’s breath hitched in his throat, the saddened girl stumbling uneasily towards his office. Spencer was quick to meet his side, frowning immediately at the sight of Y/N. He quickly rushed out to her trembling form, cupping her damp face firmly.

“What are you doing here?” Spencer asked softly, Aaron strutting behind the young woman to guard her from the teams intense stares.

“I need some time off.” Y/N whispered, her mind cussing her weak form, growling harsh threats towards her as she tried her best to pinpoint a believable lie.

“I’ve already sorted it.” Spencer assured her but she quickly shook her head, multiple lies clouding her burning mind.

“No, I have to leave town. It’s my brother.” She lied through her teeth, making Spencer frown slightly at her, glancing up at Aaron briefly.

“I’ll come with you.” Spencer urged but Y/N shook her head in disapproval, tears freely falling down her face as her eyes flickered over his features in an attempt to memorise them for one of the last times.

“Y-you can’t.”


	6. Chapter 6

“I’ll come with you.” Spencer urged but Y/N shook her head in disapproval, tears freely falling down her face as her eyes flickered over his features in an attempt to memorise them for one of the last times.

“Y-you can’t.” Y/N’s voice cracked but her agonizing mind overtook her thoughts, persuading her to leave the worried man, his eyes crinkled at the sides as he frowned slightly.

“Why not, Y/N? I-I can’t leave you alone.” Spencer attempted to convince her, slowly closing the gap between them but she bowed her head as a low sob escaped her tightening throat, fighting her mind to pull out the rest of the believable lie.

“H-he’s in hospital, I have to go see him now. Stay and do your files, I’ll make sure to message you, okay Spence?” Y/N whispered, shaking fingers lacing through his messy curls as he brought her into a tight hug, nuzzling into her neck.

“Is he still in Iowa?” Spencer questioned softly, making Y/N nod her head against his shoulder, taking in his strong scent of coffee as he pulled away from her slightly, pushing her hair away from her tear stained face before his eyes wandered down to her covered wrists.

“Check up with me every hour please, I need to know you’re okay.” Spencer cooed, resting his forehead against hers while she blinked back her tears.

“I-I will, I need to go.” She whispered painfully, making him pull away from her, fingers interlacing with hers as he began to walk her to the elevator gradually, everyone’s stern eyes piercing the two. Worry possessed his face when Y/N squeezed onto his hand when they reached the elevator before throwing herself into his chest, arms wrapped around his torso tightly.

“Thank you, Spence.” She cried silently, making his eyes soften as he rubbed her back comfortingly, resting his chin on her head.

“You’re making it sound like you’re not coming back, Y/N.” Spencer chuckled softly into her hair but the words made her body tense, pulling away to capture his features once more.

“I’ll see you when you get back, make sure you ring me.” Spencer muttered, kissing her cheek softly but he froze when Y/N rested a hand on his cheek, her lips ghosting over his lightly, the remaining taste of her tears planting themselves on Spencer’s lip.

“Goodbye.” She whispered, quickly entering the elevator before another word could be spoken. Her fingers shook, skin beneath her jumper sleeve tingling as her mind’s bellows quickly became loud again. Her legs trembled beneath her as she rushed to her car, vision clouding from the tears glazing her eyes. When she sat back in her car, her tight grip returned to the steering wheel but the sadness possessing her face had slowly disappeared, her face now dominating emptiness as she had her mind set on the one thing she needed to do. What she thought she needed to do.

 

“Spencer, what’s going on?” Derek questioned firmly, intensely inspecting the doctors worried form but Spencer’s panicked eyes remained on the floor, cracked lips parted to speak but he couldn’t let the truth pass over his tongue.

“Nothing, everything’s okay.” Spencer murmured, about to push past him but Derek held onto his shoulders tightly, frowning at the distant man as he hissed at his grip.

“Really, where has Y/N gone? Why have you got blood on your shirt?” Derek bombarded, attempting to pull answers from the man but instead made Spencer feel worse, the blades wrapped in tissue bulging in his pocket as he grew tense.

“Morgan.” Aaron raised his voice from his office door, making his grip on the doctor immediately fall at his unit chief’s angered eyes. Aarons dark eyes drifted to Spencer, who glanced up at him and nodding his appreciation towards him.

“Reid, can I speak to you in my office?” His voice softened before disappearing into his office, quick to close the blinds to avoid the teams stares while Spencer shuffled into the room, closing the door behind him.

“Work in here today.” Aaron ordered gently, a soft smile painted over his lips as he sat at his desk.

“T-thank you,” Spencer muttered, smiling weakly but his attention was immediately adverted to his phone vibrating in his pocket.

“Thank you for these past couple of days and for taking the blades with you this morning. It helped a lot, I mean it. Talk soon, xo”


	7. Chapter 7

The warm lighting in Aaron’s office cast harsh shadows on Spencer’s face, emphasising the dark shadows beneath his piercing eyes that were fixated on his phone intensely. His slender fingers tapped at the desk in anticipation, awaiting Y/N’s confirmation that she was okay. Aaron observed Spencer’s on edge form, frowning at his stressed expression before his eyes drifted to his blood-stained shirt.

“Reid, she’ll get back to you. It’ll will be okay eventually.” Aaron assured but Spencer only shrugged at his soft voice, powerful gaze remaining on the phone screen making Aaron sigh lowly in defeat. As soon as his screen became possessed with Y/N’s caller ID, he immediately answered the call, eyes widening at the gentle stifled cries on the line.

“S-sorry, Spence. I only just landed, I-I didn’t mean to ignore you.” She choked, empty eyes scanning over the damp motel room, stained white paint peeling from the walls while the smell of dirt encompassed the room.

“Hey, it’s okay. Are you going straight to the hospital? Where are you staying overnight?” Spencer fired off questioned with startling speed, standing up from Aaron’s desk as he began to pace around the cramped office, Aarons eyes following him expectantly.

“Y-yeah, I’m heading there now. There’s a, um, hotel nearby.” Y/n lied through her teeth, nimble fingers shakily brushing over the creased, worn bedsheets where the rain has leaked through the cracked ceiling and planted itself onto the dirty sheets.

“Make sure they have rooms, Y/N. I hope everything goes well, please let me know how you are. Even if it’s just a quick text. I need to know.” Spencer rambled, voice cracking slightly at her failed attempt to muffle her cries

“I’ll check as soon as I’m finished up at the h-hospital. I need to go now, Spence.” Y/N’s voice ended up into a broken whisper as she picked up the carrier bag from the end of the bed, pulling out the tablets but her fingers immediately let go when she heard Spencer’s voice again.

“Okay, phone me when you get the chance.” Spencer urged, but he lingered on the call when she exhaled lowly.

“I will. Oh, and Spence? Th-thank you.” She whispered, sitting on the creaky mattress beside the tablets, stray tears falling onto the boxes of death.

“I-it’s okay?” Spencer replied with a frown, unsure of what she was thanking him for but with that the phone line when dead. Aaron stood beside the confused man as he hesitantly pulled the phone away from his ear, placing a firm hand on the doctors shoulder.

“Is she alright?” Aaron questioned, dark eyes soft on the lanky man who nodded in response, curls falling in front of his eyes.

“You need to get changed, Reid. Do you need me to drive you?” Aaron ordered gently, causing Spencer’s unsure eyes to flicker up to his unit chief.

“I, uh, my key is at Y/N’s apartment. I accidentally picked up her spare key instead of mine this morning.” Spencer whispered, voice lacking any emotion as Aaron nodded in understandment, hand falling from his shoulder as he leant over his desk for his car keys.

“Come on, we’ll go get your key but then you need to get changed. Sitting in them clothes won’t help anything.” Aaron sighed, quickly exiting his office so Spencer couldn’t object.

 

The apartment was deadly silent, the uneasy emptiness biting at Spencer’s prickled skin as he shuffled into the apartment, Aaron following closely behind. Spencer glanced back at his unit chief, mind shadowing with the thoughts from the last time he entered her apartment.

“I, uh, my key’s in the bedroom. I’ll be right back.” Spencer uttered, turning into the hallway. However, the contents of her bathroom cupboards were scattered outside of the bathroom, cupboards tore into when she attempted to find her stashed blades.

“Oh god.” Spencer exhaled, immediately freezing in place as his mind plucked out the torturing images of Y/N from when he found her. Mindlessly, tears coated his fallen jaw as his chest began to move rapidly for breath.

“Reid, is everything okay?” Aaron questioned, concern lacing his voice as he uncomfortably wandered to the hallway, movements quickening when he was greeted by Spencer’s scared stiff form. His dark eyes scattered over the content’s frowning in confusion until he realised Spencer’s glazed eyes.

“Spencer, what is it?” Aaron urged, stepping in front of the worried doctor, intense eyes burning into him.

“This morning I took her blades so she couldn’t do anything.” Spencer whispered, eyes glued to the mess on the ground. Aaron opened the bathroom door fully, noticing every single cupboard door wide open.

“She’s been looking for them.” Aaron observed in irritation, pinching the bridge of his nose at the thoughts of the young woman in her panicked state.

“What if…what if she hasn’t gone to her brother?” Spencer murmured dejectedly, immediately drawing Aaron from his thoughts, making his eyes widen in realisation.

“Go get your keys, I’ll make Garcia look through his records.”

 

Y/N’s weak eyes flickered over the boxes of tablets, unhurriedly brushing her shaking fingers over the boxes. Wordlessly, she began to open up the boxes, mind darkening as her nagging thoughts gradually turned into praises. Although, images of Spencer broke through the dark memories, flashing briefly but the praises continued. “This is what you wanted,” She told herself repetitively.

The low buzzing of her phone interrupted the low voices, drawing her nimble fingers away from the bow shaking in her dainty hands. Spencer’s name dominated the screen, making a quiet sob escape her throat at the contact image of the two of them.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered, voice merely a squeak as she adverted her determination to the pills once again.


	8. Chapter 8

The elevator door opened, revealing Penelope chewing on her lower lip nervously as Spencer and Aaron clambered out to meet her side. Spencer’s eyes darkened at her anxious form, eyebrows furrowing immediately as he scanned over her timid features.

“Garcia, is he okay?” Spencer’s voice cracked, making Penelope sigh slightly, eyes drifting from his.

“Well, the thing is, he hasn’t been checked into a hospital for almost 3 years. I don’t know why you want to know about Y/N’s brother but his records show he is perfectly healthy and his credit card history shows he was all well this morning as he was out shopping. Is everything okay?” Penelope rambled but Spencer’s eyes dropped immediately, any hope laced within his iris instantly drained at her words. 

His mind raced, the sight of her blood staining his thoughts as tears glazed his eyes. The tight grip on his bag fell, a loud thud cracking the tension between the agents.

“Garcia, I need you to track down Y/N’s phone immediately.” Aaron ordered sternly, placing a firm hand on Spencer’s shoulder when the clicking of Penelope’s heels drifted away.

“Reid, you need to breathe. We’re going to find her.” Aaron assured, voice softening as tears danced down Spencer’s pale face, his cracked lips parting but his words were replaced by uncontrollable sobs.

“I-I should of known. W-why did I let- why did I let her go?” Spencer croaked between sobs, voice weak as his mind clouded over, harsh whispers mentally cussing him.

“This isn’t your fault, Reid. We need to go find her.” Aaron uttered, squeezing his shoulder slightly but their contact broke when Spencer nodded slightly, wiping his damp cheeks before hurriedly heading towards Penelope’s office.

 

“Got it!” Penelope announced cheerfully but the happiness in her voice quickly faded, face scowling in disgust. “She’s definitely not at a five star hotel, I’ll tell you that. She checked in at a motel 40 minutes away this afternoon. Do you need me to send you the address?” Aaron nodded quickly in response, pulling Spencer from the room, whose body was limp as deathly thoughts haunted his terrified mind.

“W-what if-?” Spencer began but Aaron immediately cut him off as they reached his bag on the floor, his belongings scattered by the elevator floor. Aaron picked up the doctors phone, handing it to him before pulling him into the elevator.

“When was the last time the two of you spoke?” Aaron questioned, rapidly spamming the button for the ground floor as if it would speed up the process.

“When she phoned me in your office.” Spencer whispered, holding his phone loosely while he stared into nothing in particular, fighting against his death-ridden thoughts.

“Phone her.” Aaron uttered, the two of them immediately rushing outside to the car park for Aaron’s car. When the two of them hurriedly slumped into the car, Spencer’s phone pinged in his hand. One voicemail.

“I-it’s Y/N.” Spencer murmured, voice merely a whisper as his slender fingers shook around his phone. Without a thought, Aaron pressed the speaker button so that they could both hear the broken girls voice before starting up the car.

“There is so much I could say…but I won’t. I-I just, I wanted to- I don’t know. I’m sorry. I have to go. I’m not okay anymore, I can’t stay like this. I know you won’t understand straight away but I, I just want you to know that I-I’ll miss you, Spence. I’ve been so tired all of the time but, nevermind. You don’t want to hear this. I’m just taking some time away, no matter what happens just- just know that you’ll be fine. It will all be okay. I’m scared, I know I wont see you again but trust me; I’ll never forget you. Oh god.” The phone line filled with sharp cries and heavy breathing. “It hurts so bad, I-I.. Spencer. I’m sorry. It’s time, I can’t carry on. It’s too late, anyway. I can’t do this but p-please…don’t blame yourself. I have to go, goodbye.”

 

Her dainty fingers cancelled the call, hand falling limp as her other tightened its grip around the loose pills laying in her hand. She was curled into the corner of the grotty room, chest heaving as she brought her knees to her chest, sobbing into her legs while she rested against the chipped wooden wardrobe.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered but nobody was there. Nobody was there to hear her cries, to stop her from taking the pills into her mouth. Her shaky fist lifted up to her trembling lips, gradually letting the deathly capsules fall onto her tongue. Her phone beside her lit up with Spencer’s caller ID but the energy from her dispersed into nothingness as her attention was fixated on the pills embedded into her bitter mouth while she contemplated swallowing for one last time.

Hesitantly, she picked up the water sitting on the floor beside her, shakily bringing it to her lips. Then she swallowed, The pills forming a lump in her throat as she mindlessly dropped the glass, the remainder of the water drenching her shirts as her legs straightened out in front of her. She showed no emotion, tears silently falling but her eyes were empty, lips parted but nothing but harsh breaths escaping her mouth. Her heavy eyelids fell shut, muscles limp in her body as her mind whirled aimlessly. The vibrations from her phone rumbled beside her, though she didn’t even flinch a muscle, her mind determined to enrapture her into a shadowed, deep sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

The loud thunderous knocks roared through the motel room, breaking the deathly silence. However, the blistering noise blurred into the background noise of the slowing heartbeat pulsing in Y/N’s ears as her lifeless body curled into the side of the wardrobe, her chest barely raising while she took shallow breaths. 

Suddenly, the door flew open with a fierce kick, Spencer and Aaron rushing into the eerily looking room. Spencer’s dark eyes searched around the room frantically before landing on her desolated body. His knees immediately gave up beneath him, falling onto the floor in a bundle of tears, face screwed up as he crawled to her side. Then he realised the empty packets of pills beside the fading girl.

“Shit. No, Y/N.” He sobbed, pulling her to his heaving chest quickly, her limp body tumbling into his chest. Incoherent gurgles bubbled from her chapped lips.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered into her knotted hair, rocking her slightly as he lifted his slender fingers to her drooling mouth. Without another thought, he plummeted his fingers into her mouth, wiggling them slightly to activate her gag reflex. The contents of her stomach were quick to burn through her throat, a few pills spluttering from her mouth mixed with the acidic liquid coating her tongue. Spencer couldn’t control the biting sob that burst through his tightening throat while he rubbed her back.

“The ambulance is on its way.” Aaron muttered as he knelt behind Y/N who was on Spencer’s lap, taking over the rubbing motion as Spencer’s fingers pushed into her mouth once again but he couldn’t look at her when more vomit erupted from her weak form. Tears ran from her eyes due to the contact at her gag reflex but she was still unresponsive , bloodshot eyes open slightly as saliva coated her chin.

“Do you want me to take over?” Aaron offered, inspecting the doctors broken expression as he cradled the girls head against his unevenly moving chest but Spencer shook his head adamantly, hesitantly looking down at her body.

“I-is she, is she still breathing?” Spencer whimpered, grip tightening around her shoulder around as he tried to steady his breathing. Aaron swallowed back the fear clawing at his throat before holding his finger out beneath her nose. When the subtle but warm air blanketed across his =finger, he exhaled in relief.

“She’s breathing.” He confirmed breathily, kneeling back slightly when Spencer shifted her further onto his lap, turning her to a side so she didn’t choke. Noticing her eyes parted open, he shakily brushed her damp hair away from her trembling jaw.

“It’s going to be okay, Y/N. I promise.” He sobbed, jaw clenching as he tried to hold back the worst of his tears. His thumb traced patterns against her pale skin before trailing down to her shoulder to turn her fully so she was facing his stomach when she began gipping. He firmly rubbed her back as she brought up more pills that were blistering her stomach, the thick liquid coating the floor behind them.

“Hello, someone call for the medics?” An unfamiliar voice called from the hallway, the sound of bags shuffling along side their heavy footsteps.

“In here.” Aaron called loudly, making them hurriedly enter the cramped room. Though, as the medics started talking to Aaron, Spencer paid no attention, his focus fixated on the woman dying in his arms as low gurgles escaped her tightening throat. The medics knelt beside him, carefully moving the limp woman from his grasp but his hand remained on her shoulder, looking up at them with wide eyes dominated with panic.

“Spencer, it’s going to be okay.” Aaron encouraged him to let go of her as he placed his hand on the terrified mans shoulder. The medics nodded at him as they laid her onto a stretcher.

“Do you know how many pills she could have swallowed?” One of them asked but Spencer was too zoned out to realise their questions as he shakily stood up beside Aaron.

“Around thirty but she has vomited since.” Aaron quickly informed, making the medics nod in response as they checked her pulse before lifting her up.

“C-can I travel, uh, with her?” Spencer whimpered, following the medics hurriedly when they approved his request, carrying her out to the ambulance.

 

Spencer gripped her hand tightly in the ambulance, his tears falling onto her pale skin as he kissed her forehead. He squeezed her hand before brushing her hair away from her face.

“You can pull through, Y/N. I know you can do it. P-please. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.” Spencer whispered against her skin, but her unconscious form laid still, chest barely raising as she struggled against the harsh chemicals attacking her stomach.

“Please.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, tv dialogue references but I can't remember where from!

“I know you can do this, Y/N. I want you to do this but I know its not easy. If you want to go…” Spencer’s voice cracked, his fingers dancing across her pale knuckles lightly. “…Then I want you to know i-it’s okay.” He cried, lifting her hand to press his lips against her skin softly. Aaron blinked away his tears as he watched from the corner of the hospital room, eyes fixated on the unresponsive woman.

“Spencer, when I was outside, the nurse said-” Aaron began but Spencer knew what was coming, the fear projecting from his mind as pure anger at the man.

“Don’t. She can do this, I know she can.” Spencer raised his voice, veins in his forehead quickly becoming prominent as his yells turned into harsh sobs as he leant his head against Y/N’s side.

“You need the think about yourself too.” Aaron murmured, making Spencer’s eyes snap up to him, eyes dark with terrified fury.

“I’m fine.” He growled but Aaron walked towards him, placing a hand on his shoulder making Spencer bow his head onto the mans shoulder as tears poured down his face. Aaron wrapped an arm comfortingly around the man as he broke down right in front of him.

“You’re not okay.” Aaron uttered, rubbing the doctors shoulder slightly.

“I-I can’t go through this alone again, Aaron.” Spencer cried, wiping his tears from his face as he pulled away, afraid to look up at the broad man. However, the growing tension halted when Y/N shifted in her bed, eyes fluttering open slightly.

“Y/N.” Spencer whispered, rushing to the woman’s side once again and lacing their fingers together. Her bloodshot eyes gradually landed on Spencer’s form, observing the dark rings around his tear-glazed eyes intensely. Though, the strong antiseptic smell captured her attention, the strong scent hitting the back of her throat. The she realised where she was.

“Why- no, no, no.” She whispered hoarsely, frantically fidgeting up the bed to glance down at the wires and tubes connected to her weak body. When the silence filled the room, the only sound rhythmically piercing the room was the heart monitor. Tear immediately prickled her eyes at the sound reminding her she was alive; reminding her that the pain was still biting at her ankles.

“D-don’t cry. You can do this.” Spencer whispered, sorrow blanketing his voice as Y/N grew more upset, curling her body into the flimsy blanket thrown over her.

“I can’t, it hurts.” Y/N cried, hands gripping at her hair as she sobbed into her knees on the bed. When Spencer sat on the edge of the bed and placed his hand on her back, she sat up immediately, revealing her broken expression as her pleading eyes danced across his tired eyes.

“It hurts so much.” She raised her shaky voice before descending into a tangled mess of sobs and frantic breaths, falling into his lap as he shuffled closer to her.

“We will get through this, Y/N. I can’t lose y-you.” Spencer’s voice broke as he wrapped his hands in her hair, leaning over her slightly as she gripped tightly onto his shirt.

“I’m s-scared.” Y/N sobbed into his shirt, the words eliciting the biting cry to escape Spencer tightening throat as he urged her to sit up. Aaron slowly slipped out of the room, heart pounding against his chest at the shattering sight. However, when he opened the door, the team was waiting outside of the door, catching the heart breaking sight before the door slammed shut when Aaron pushed past them, silent tears dragging across his cheek.

“Hotch, wait.” Derek yelled, chasing after the man before he turned around abruptly, face angered as images of Haley and George sliced through his mind.

“What’s happened?” Derek urged, voice softer than before when he took in his unit chiefs saddened eyes.

“Sh-she,” He cleared his throat as his eyes flickered to the rest of the team looking on in confusion, “She overdosed. I don’t know if she will-”

 

Spencer laid back slightly, allowing Y/N to cry into his chest as he wrapped an arm around her tightly. Her grasp on his shirt tightened, sending her knuckles white as her tears struck her like icy pellets.

“I’m here, Y/N. I promise you are going to get better, okay? It may take months, years, but I’m not leaving your side again. Do you understand?” Spencer muffled his cries as he whispered into her hair. She nodded against his chest, grip loosening slightly as she glanced up at the man.

“I’m trying but-” Before she could continue Spencer pushed her head to his chest lightly as he engulfed her in a tight hug, kissing her knotted hair as she breathed unsteadily into his chest in an attempt to control her tears.

“W-where’s Aaron? Did he see?” Y/N uttered into Spencer’s chest, making him shuffle beneath her slightly.

“He saw, he just went to stand outside. Do you want to talk to him?” Spencer questioned softly, trying to cover the sadness clawing at his throat. In response, Y/N sat up and nodded slightly. When Spencer got out of the bed, Y/N flopped back down into the cushions but when he left the room a piercing burn punched at her stomach.

 

“Aaron, she wants to see you.” Spencer muttered as he entered the family room, the teams eyes observing the dark rings shadowing his eyes. Aaron nodded wordlessly, JJ’s hand falling from his shoulder as he followed Spencer back to the hospital room. 

However, their faces dropped when they noticed doctors rushing into the room. Hurriedly, they rushed to the room to find the woman’s limbs shaking as her breaths grew shallow, gripping at her chest for breaths as he eyes began to close gradually.

“Oh god.” Aaron uttered, frozen in place but Spencer flew to her side, gripping her hand tightly as he eyes flickered open and closed. Tears immediately coated his cheeks as his wide eyes flickered over her uncontrollable form before returning to her weakening eyes.

“Don’t you dare give up on me.”


	11. Chapter 11

A nurse slowly opened the door, her face empty as Aaron and Spencer immediately stood up at her presence. She slipped silently into the room, anxiously fumbling with her fingers as their eyes pierced into her form.

“C-can I see her?” Spencer whispered, heart pounding against his chest as his weak legs trembled. When the nurse shook her head slightly, his knees gave up on him, causing him to collide back down to the chair.

“I’m sorry. Miss Y/L/N didn’t make it, we did all we could but her injuries were too extensive.” Her words burned into the quiet room, cursing the deathly silence as the agents quickly became distressed.

“What, no. Sh-she’s okay.” Spencer stumbled, words broken by sobs as his gaze cut over to Aaron. “Y-you said she’d be o-okay.” His voice grew louder, tears coating his trembling jaw as he fell to the floor, fingers pulling firmly at his hair. Aaron was defeated, tears glazing his eyes as his dark eyes fixated on the broken man.

“Spencer, I’m-” Aaron began but Spencer’s uncontrollable sobs punctured his train of thought, the fracturing noise sending a biting lump to his throat. Wordlessly, he knelt beside the trembling man before placing a firm hand on his shoulder but Spencer was quick to flinch away from his touch.

“Sh-she’s…” Spencer whimpered, glancing up to meet Aaron’s hurt eyes. His lips parted to speak but his mind was too caught up, thoughts tangled as a harsh sob built up in the back of his throat. “She’s gone.” Aaron wrapped his arm around him, making Spencer collapse into his grasp. Silent tears spilled down his face as he rubbed his back, Spencer crying into his suit jacket as he processed the intense information.

“I’m here.” Aaron uttered, mind reliving the feeling from when he held Hayley in his arms for one last time, blood soaking through their clothes as he gripped onto her lifeless body. He recalled the broken feeling, helplessness. Grief-stricken. Spencer pulled away from him slightly, blown eyes bloodshot from the constant tears. His shaky fingers briefly grazed across his damp tears as he wiped away the tears.

“I-I want to-” Spencer began but Aaron shook his head, tight grip remaining on his shoulder as his gaze flickered over his broken-hearted face. Spencer looked up at him, eyes possessed with desolation.

“Are you sure about this?” Aaron questioned sternly but Spencer was adamant, quickly nodding his head while wiping his stinging eyes.

“I want to see her.”

 

Spencer rested his forehead against the closed door, swallowing back the fear clawing at his throat as he held onto the door handle. Aaron placed a hand on his shoulder, thoughts begging him to speak out but knowing the man was determined to say goodbye.

“You don’t have to do this right now.” Aaron murmured, making Spencer breathe out shakily, clearing his throat.

“I-I know.” Spencer whispered distressingly, not taking another second to think as he opened the door but he immediately froze. Her almost translucent skin was partially covered by the white cloth draped over the majority of her body, the paleness shadowed around her sunken eyes, chest halted. Spencer bit the inside of his cheek, hating the fact that this is what she wanted. Cursing his own mind for not being able to stop her. He had enough. He abruptly turned around, quickly met by Aaron who glanced at his sorrowfully.

“Come on.” Aaron whispered, making Spencer rush out of the room to him, collapsing immediately into the broad man as painful tears dominated his face once again.

 

*3 DAYS LATER*

Spencer’s legs were intertwined with the loose covers, body jolting and soft whimpers escaped his tight throat.

“No, please. Y/N!” He murmured in his sleep, scaring himself awake from the continuous nightmare. Although, it wasn’t just fictional, it actually happened.

“Y/N.” He whispered again, reddened eyes clenching shut as he collapsed back down into his pillows. His trembling fingers darted underneath the pillow beside him, pulling out Y/N’s over-sized jumper she always wore to work. The agonizing memories burned into his thoughts as he curled into the jumper, sobbing quietly into the fabric as his grip tightened onto it, sending his knuckles white.

“Why?” He whispered, pain dominating his voice as he gulped back the lump in his throat. Once again, his phone vibrated, the team trying to check in on him but his mind was too occupied to notice. Instead of remembering Y/N’s little quirks, his mind shadowed with her scars, the blood coating her arms when he found her, the tears dripping from her face as she wished for her death. His mind was poisoned, thoughts beginning to talk to him, cussing him for his actions, screaming at him. It’s your fault.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, untangling himself from her jumper as he staggered out of bed. Then his eyes landed on the pile of clothes on the floor, the tissue poking out of his pockets immediately capturing his attention. He slowly removed the tissue from his trouser pocket, mind growling at him again and again. Do it. The ongoing mental argument continued until he found himself unwrapping the tissue on his bathroom counter, eyes fixated on the dull metal. 

Hesitantly, he looked up at his mirror, shadowed eyes haunted with bitterness. Without another thought, his shaky fingers traced along the edge of the blade before picking it up hesitantly. His mind continued to nag at him, ordering him to repeat her actions, telling him it was his fault but they eventually convinced him. Convinced him that he could of saved her. Convinced him that it was his fault.

“It’s time.”


End file.
